allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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