Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
