and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
