Jerry, you need to find god
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
