everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My cat gives me a boner
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
