Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
