Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
