i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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