weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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