Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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