They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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