Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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