i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
