i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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