it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
