you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
