Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
