Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
