Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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