Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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