Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
