Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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