it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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