I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
