Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
