Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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