Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Alive.
So much puke
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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