I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
