guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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