I feel like abortions should bother me more
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize