i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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