Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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