Got a toothbrush?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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