True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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