how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
