Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
