My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
