So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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