The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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