your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
