my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize