We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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