Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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