Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
