my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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