whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
