Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
