This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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