i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
