im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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