I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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