i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
