My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
