His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
