I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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