FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
